Things book stores are not:

-Public toilets

-Music stores

-DVD stores

-Stationary shops

-Free day care centres or, relatedly, indoor playgrounds to take your children to when it's raining and you want them to burn off some energy

-Rad indoor obstacle courses where you can try out your new hoverboard

-Free conference centres where you can host your business meeting

-Free therapy clinics

-Creches for people who are really, really high on hallucinatory drugs

-Convenience stores

-Post offices

-Weed dispensaries

-General information booths

-General complaint desks

-Public clubs where nerds who are keen to do your homework for you congregate

-Tea or coffee shops

-Emergency rooms for providing emergency health care

-Dumps where you can abandon any unwanted rubbish that happens to be made of paper, including old school notebooks

-Bars or other rendezvous points for lonely people who want to have lengthy conversations with hostage strangers

-Copy centres where you can copy or fax things. Libraries often have copy machines; you are probably thinking of a library.

-Actual libraries.  We sell books, not lend them.

-Places where you can go and read books for free while we charge your phone for you.  Again, not a library.

Naturally, every one of the examples on this list are things for which we have been mistaken.

Constantly heard:

"I don't understand.  How does this work?  This is too complicated."

They're talking about this:

It's a roll of wrapping paper on a stand.  It has a metal bar that functions as a blade to tear the paper; all you have to do is lift the paper up.  This particular piece of technology has probably existed for thousands of years.

Helpful Information

As bookstore employees we often have to utilize our skills in deciphering jumbled, nonsensical descriptions  in order to obtain enough information to find a certain title.

Example:

Customer On Phone:    " I was told to call your store, and that you might have what I'm looking for."

Me: " Okay, what title are you searching for?"

Customer On Phone:  " I don't remember. Something about music in the ears, and the author is dead."

Translation: Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks

It all worked out for me, so you should do it my way.

When working retail, it's important to indulge in small pleasures to keep your motivation up.

We received a couple of used copies of this book--How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life, by the author of one of the world's most humourless and perplexingly long-running comic strips. 

It's a recent book and we have two copies, so I put them on an endcap--but not without printing this image out a couple times and tucking one snugly into each:

Yelp reviews.

"I don't remember the title or the author, but..."

It had a K on the cover, which was white.

It had a ripped flag on the cover.  It was a political science book.

Literary Trends

Initially, the Institute of Literary Trends was founded to record the trends in cover designs.
However, thus far we've been too busy detailing the idiosyncrasies of our customer base to post any of these photos.  It's time to finally rectify that.

"I'm looking for this book; I don't remember the title or the author, but it was blue and it had, like, stars all over the cover."

"I'm looking for this book; I don't remember the title or the author, but it was a science book that had a cover like the visualizations old-school media players used to do for music."

"I'm looking for this book; I don't remember the title or the author, but it had a head in profile on the cover. It was non-fiction, if that helps."

See also: brains.

"I'm looking for this book; I don't remember the title or the author, but it was an economics book and it had money origami on the cover."

Michael Lewis has the laziest graphic designer ever.

"I'm looking for this book; I don't remember the title or the author, but it had a pair of old shoes on the cover.  I think it was an Oprah Book Club selection."

Also a trend, though certainly not intentionally: photoshop disasters--especially amongst sci-fi and fantasy covers.

Because human anatomy is hard.

Pro tip

The Institute for Literary Trends is located on a busy thoroughfare, which means the road noise often is quite loud.  For that reason, we try to keep the door shut unless it is really swelteringly hot and close.

I noticed the door was ajar and walked over to close it.  An incoming customer prevented me.

"What do you have by [author]?" he demanded.
"Sorry?"
"[Author]. He writes on Christianity," He clarified, still standing directly in the doorway.
"We have quite a large Christianity section, it's right over--"
"I can't, I have my cart with me."
I was about to invite him to bring his bike inside and leave it by the window, when I look outside the door and realize he does mean an actual cart.

One piled high with bags.

And on top of the mountain of bags, a dog.

"Bring me all the books you have by this author and bring them to me here." The man instructs, imperiously.

Normally I would tell him, as politely as possible, to go fuck himself.  But the sight of this dog perched majestically like a cake-topper on top of Mt St Crap-heap amuses me so much that I go and check the shelves for him, pick the only title we have by him there, and fetch it to him for his perusal in the doorway.

So I guess the moral of the story is bring a cute* dog with you and you can get away with murder.

* Which is all the dogs, ever.

Are they books? Or are they texts sewn into some sort of binding?

"Yes, we have new Lee Child books as well.  They're right over--"

"Are they BOOKS, or are they SOFTCOVERS?"

Subtitle: Folliculitis As Seen From Below.

"I'm looking for Memoirs of a Jacuzzi." 

He meant, of course, Confessions of a Yakuza.

Bookstore Mysteries, Part II

A common occurrence:

Customer brings books up to the counter for purchase.

Staff member rings up books and states total.

Custom evinces shock and says, "Wait, how much are the books?" --as in, how much is each book?

Staff member then has to walk customer through each item and re-shelve books the customer has decided are too expensive.

Putting aside the subtle clues like each book's price being stated on the physical book, printed above the barcode if new and penciled in front if used--
do these people do this in other establishments, as well?

Do they walk into clothing stores or restaurants or automobile dealerships, never bother to check the prices, and then display astonishment at the bill?  Do they expect the person handling the transaction to simply accept whatever amount of money they felt like paying, a figure they nebulously calculated on baseless assumptions?

Who does that?  Apparently, an awful lot of people.

Look, if you don't take the price of any object you're buying into consideration at all before you try to buy it, you're either so wealthy that money is no object, or you are, at best, clueless and functionally stunted^[1], if not just an asshole.

Frequently heard:

"Where is your non-fiction section?"

You see that fiction section?

Yes?

Everywhere that isn't there is our non-fiction section.

bookstore mysteries

Common scenario:

"Do you gift wrap here?"

"While we don't offer a gift-wrapping service, you are welcome to wrap them yourself at our complimentary self-serve gift wrapping station."

"Oh, well, I don't have time for that!"


Time moves differently in bookstores, you know, depending on whether you are performing a task or someone is performing the exact same task for you.

Addition to my list of favourite author names:

Anil Seal.  

Things.

We at the Institute frequently field queries by telephone as to whether or not we have a certain title.  Invariable, the formula I use when responding in the negative is, "Unfortunately, we don't currently have a copy of ----."

With surprising regularity, I have people respond, "You DO?"

Now, I am generally held to be a passable elocutionist.  I had a bit of a stutter as a child, which will occasionally still surface as a bit of a halting quality mid-sentence, but the speech therapy I underwent to treat it gave me rather a clearer diction than most.  That aside--
Why the ever-loving space pineapple would I say,
"Unfortunately, we do have a copy here for you."

An unrelated pet-peeve:

Customers, naturally, often inquire where such-a-genre section is in the store.
It often happens that male customers especially will ask, I or a coworker will come from behind the counter so as to lead them to it, and they will rush to get in front of us.  They will then stumble around, awkward and confused, because they have no idea where they're going.  They simply must be in front, much like the automobile driver on the freeway who suffers from a burning need both to get in front of you and to slow down significantly.

I'm sorry, allow me to bring you a translator.

"Do you have a section for journals?"
I begin in the negative, assuming he meant blank journals.
"--Or for letters...that people have written?"

"Oh! Yes, we have a memoir and autobiography section--"

"No, not autobiography.  Journals.  People's journals and private writing."

"Yes, that would be in our memoirs section.  It's over--"

"No, but, like, stuff that was not intended for publication."

I stare at him blankly in case he'd like to do any further incredibly unnecessary elaboration.

...

...

No?

"Those. would. be. in. our. memoir. section.  It's right back here...."

"Right this way..." (shows them the door)

Gentleman walks in the door, past the shelves of books.
He walks up to the counter, passing tables of books and also more shelves of books.  Undoubtedly, he takes a deep breath of the air all our customers assure is is heavily perfumed with old book-y smell (some of them even complain about it).

"I'm looking for your apricot tea," he asks, undeterred by the utter and complete absence of any tea or tea-related paraphernalia in sight.

On the phone just now:

"I'd like a book for pickup today."
This isn't a pizza parlour, love.

We can't even.

What novelty!

Listening to the NPR author interview for Making Nice and hear a critic say, "I've never heard a voice like his before!"

What, the voice of a white college-educated man?

Golly, what would that even be like?  I've never read anything like it!

Oh boy! *click*

Time for the Wednesday Prank Caller (or as we now call him, the Wankcaller), who has nothing better to do Wednesdays at middayish than to repeatedly call us and then hang up as we answer!

Your title is bad and you should feel bad.

Quite possibly the number one bête noir of NIOLIT the past few years is this trend of titling everything

"[BLANK] RISING"

There are hundreds of titles which follow that formula.  It has at this point moved beyond hackneyed cliché and into the realm of "trope so gallingly over-used that makes the Director of NIOLIT want to instigate book-burning parties and turn this shit into INFERNO RISING."*  Often, the title can't even be construed in any way that makes sense in the context of the book; the author presumably just thought it "sounded cool."  Rising titles are to modern literature what cigarettes were to much of the 20th century: ubiquitous, impossible to escape, and due to undeserved and inimical delusions of glamour.

For whatever reason, Rising titles are almost inevitably sci-fi / fantasy novels or supernatural erotica.

Here's a quick list of just a small sampling of inexplicably upwardly mobile titles:

Rising, Lisa Swallow
Rising, Kassanna
Rising, Angela Fristoe
Rising (series), Laura Josephsen
Rising, Jake Dallas (Soenya Rising series)
Rising, Holly Kelly (Book 1 of the Rising Series; it appears to be about mermaids.)
The Rising, Terra Harmony (this is also a mermaid book.)
The Rising, Brian Keene
The Rising, Robert Ovies
The Rising, Brian McGilloway
The Rising, Tim LaHaye and Jerry B Jenkins
The Rising, Will Hill
The Rising, Kelley Armstrong (Darkness Rising Series)
The Rising, Ian Tregellis
The Rising, Kimberly Sluder
Darkness Rising, Keri Arthur
Darkness Rising, Lis Wiehl
Darkness Rising, TA Lindsay
Darkness Rising, Karly Kirkpatrick
Darkness Rising, Ross M Kitson
Darkness Rising, Meryl Yourish
Darkness Rising, Elle Chardou
Darkness Rising, Kianna Alexander
Darkness Rising, Ken Brosky
Darkness Rising, Elissa Wilds
Rising Darkness, Thea Harrison
Phoenix Rising, Pip Ballantine
Phoenix Rising, Karen Hesse
Phoenix Rising, William W Johnstone
Phoenix Rising, Richard Sanders
Phoenix Rising, CJ Bishop
Phoenix Rising, Roger Stern
Phoenix Rising, Ryk E Spoor
Phoenix Rising, Kevin Kauffman
Phoenix Rising, John J Nance
Phoenix Rising, CE Stalbaum
Phoenix Rising, Declan Conner
Phoenix Rising, JP Ayers
Phoenix Rising, Previn Hudetz
Phoenix Rising, Erica Stevens
Phoenix Rising, Gary Caplan
Phoenix Rising, Martin Allen
Phoenix Rising, Heather Blair
Phoenix Rising, Corrina Lawson
Phoenix Rising, Michelle Stevens
Phoenix Rising, Elise Faber
Phoenix Rising, Lynette Spratley
Phoenix Rising, Ann Carruth Donoghue
Phoenix Rising, Mary Summer Rain
Phoenix Rising, Theo Fenraven
Phoenix Rising, Frances Patton Statham
Phoenix Rising, Synthia Vespia
Phoenix Rising, Ann Duran
Phoenix Rising, Bryony Pearce
Phoenix Rising, Kendra Cauble
Phoenix Rising, Cara Carnes
Phoenix Rising, Phenice Arielle
Phoenix Rising, Jo Lynne Valerie
Phoenix Rising, Caitlin Maitland
Phoenix Rising, Leila Lacey
Phoenix Rising, Mary Kirk
Phoenix Rising, Kimberly Gardner
Phoenix Rising, Hwei-fen Cheah
Phoenix Rising, Paul Henke
Phoenix Rising, Louise LeBrun
Phoenix Rising, Jeannie Ingraham
Phoenix Rising, Helen Papadopoulos
Phoenix Rising, Sharon K Goetz
Phoenix Rising, Angela Rediess
Phoenix Rising, Jason K Lewis
Phoenix Rising, Philip Vandermeer
Phoenix Rising, Cate Russell-Cole
Phoenix Rising, Mark Pasquini
Phoenix Rising, Douglas Glen Johnson and Sharon Oliver
Phoenix Rising, Zerelda Daniels
Phoenix Rising, Thomas Atkinson
Phoenix Rising, Danielle Rose-West
Phoenix Rising, Donald Lett Jr
Phoenix Rising, TO Luce
Phoenix Rising, Glenda C Finkelstein
Phoenix Rising, Lisa Morgan
Phoenix Rising, David Clive Price
Phoenix Rising, Sonny Williams
Phoenix Rising, Marguerite Steen
Phoenix Rising, David Riel
Phoenix Rising, Kalechofsk
Phoenix Rising, Henry Huddleston
Phoenix Rising, NS Newsome
Phoenix Rising, Olivia Burgess
Phoenix Rising, Anthony J Schwarz
Phoenix Rising, Frank Burns
Phoenix Rising, Angela JK Timms
Phoenix Rising, Craig Marshall
Phoenix Rising, Skye Falcon
Phoenix Rising, Sam Herath
Phoenix Rising, Esther Mitchell
Phoenix Rising, Patrick Sean Mulvany
Phoenix Rising, Novel Units
Phoenix Rising, Karla Goldsberry
Phoenix Rising, Gretchen Clark Hammond
Phoenix Rising, Zoe Schramm-Evans
Phoenix Rising, Cynthia D Grant
Phoenix Rising, Cooper Hill
Phoenix Rising, Paul Bradley
Phoenix Rising, Bryan Nash
Phoenix Rising, Haydn Paul
Phoenix Rising, Rick Bull
Phoenix Rising, Werner Forman
Phoenix Rising,  Ron Duncan-Hart
Phoenix Rising, Morgana de Winter and Marie Harte
Phoenix Rising, Lena Austin
Phoenix Rising, Samantha Prasad
Phoenix Rising, Hunter S Jones
Phoenix Rising Series, Joan Swan
Phoenix Rising Series, Erica Verillo
Phoenix Rising Series, Gail Delaney
Rising Phoenix, Kyle Mills
Rising Phoenix, Stephanie Ingram-James
Rising Phoenix, Kim Dallmeier
Rising Phoenix, Isaiah Barber
Rising of the Phoenix, Kathryn McGirl and Tiffany Petitt
Pieface: Phoenix Rising, Rick Boyd
American Phoenix Rising, Herb Reed
Fascist Phoenix Rising, Jeff Nott
Red Phoenix Rising, Von Hardesty
Red Phoenix Rising, Marie Carroll
Phoenix: The Rising, Bette Maybee
Class Collision: Phoenix Rising, Annette Mackey
Project Purest, Phase One: Phoenix Rising, Danielle Dixon
Demon Rising: A Phoenix Rising Novel, Preston Miller
Phoenix Rising from a Savage Time, Marc Jordan Ben-Meir
Project Phoenix: Dead Rising, Darrin Patterson

Good god, there are more Phoenix Risings, but I'm bored with typing that, so moving right along...

Prometheus Rising, Robert Anton Wilson
Persephone Rising, Carol S. Pearson
Red Rising, Pierce Brown (Book of the Red Rising series)
Red Storm Rising, Tom Clancy
Red Dog Rising, Jeff Schettler
Red Dragon Rising, Larry Bond
Red Phase Rising, Ken Schuett
Zenith Rising, Leanne Davis
Jupiter Rising, Sean MacUisdin
Mercury Rising, Gerald R. Clark
Mercury Rising (series), Samantha Kane
Vespers Rising, Jude Watson
Vespers Rising, Rick Riodan
Scipio Rising, Martin Tessmer
Scorpia Rising, Anthony Horowitz
Pisces Rising, Martha C Lawrence
Gemini Rising, Harley Christensen
Apollyon Rising, Thomas Horn
A New Day Rising, Lauraine Snelling
A New Earth Rising, Charmain Redwood
Skyship Academy: Crimson Rising, Nick James
Black Rising, Kevin Barron (appears to be apeshit Neo-Nazi thriller about Black organizations conspiring to take over America)
Conspiracy Rising, Simon Driscoll
Shadow Rising, Robert Jordan
Shadow Rising, Yasmine Galenorn (side note: this author takes the cake for trapper-keeper-grade schoolgirl fantasy.  I double-dog-dare you to read the back of her books without laughing.  I'm a half-fae married to a were-puma!  I have three hunky vampire husbands!)
Shadow Club Rising, Neal Shusterman
Tiger Rising, Kate DiCamillo
Hannibal Rising, Thomas Harris
Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance, Konami
Sentinels: Alpha Rising, Doranna Durgin
Demon Rising, R.S. McCoy
Wizard Rising, Toby Neighbors
Witch Rising, Amber Argyle
Shadow Witch Rising, Colleen Vanderlinden
Darkwitch Rising, Sara Douglass
Startide Rising, David Brin
Black Tide Rising, Kelvin L. Singleton
Black Tide Rising (series), John Ringo
Dark Tide Rising (series), Brian Augustyn
Dark Tide Rising, David M. Salkin
Dark Tide Rising, Douglas McDonough
Dark Tide Rising, Harry Pearce
Dark Tide Rising, Kristin Miller
Dark Tides Rising, Andrew Clawson
Troy Rising (series), John Ringo
Cold River Rising, Enes Smith
Black Water Rising, Attica Locke
Dark Water Rising, Marian Hale
Black Sun Rising, C.S. Friedman
Black Sun Rising, P.W. Child
Moon Rising, Tui T Sutherland
Moon Rising, Jerry Kaczmarowski
Full Moon Rising, Amy Green
Full Moon Rising, Keri Arthur
New Moon Rising, Eugenia Price
New Moon Rising, L.M. Pruitt
White Moon Rising, John Foxjohn
Pale Moon Rising, Philip Christopher
Dark Moon Rising, A. Evermore
Dark Moon Rising, Raven Kaldera
Dark Moon Rising, Jacqueline Seewald
Bad Moon Rising, Sherrilyn Kenyon
Bad Moon Rising, John G Hartness
Bad Moon Rising, Helen Haught Fanick
Bad Moon Rising, Doug Moench
Bad Moon Rising, Jonathan Maberry
Bad Moon Rising, Stephen Pickering
Bad Moon Rising, Delilah Devlin
Bad Moon Rising, Hank Bordowitz
Good Moon Rising, Nancy Garden (well, that's refreshing)
Red Moon Rising, Elizabeth Kelly
Red Moon Rising, Matthew Brzezinski
Red Moon Rising, Pete Greig
Red Moon Rising, Lori Handeland
Blue Moon Rising, Simon R Green
Blood Moon Rising, Kinsey McClane
Blood Moon Rising, Merabeth James
Blood Moon Rising (series), Lola Taylor
Blood Moons Rising, Mark Hitchcock
Blood Moons Rising, Robert Rite
Forest Moon Rising, PR Frost
Crescent Moon Rising, Paul L Williams
Cold Moon Rising, Sarah Makela
Hot Moon Rising, Desiree Holt
High Moon Rising, Ben Myatt
Highland Moon Rising, Sarah Makela
Fool Moon Rising, T. Lively Fluharty
A Southern Moon Rising, Melanie D. Calvert
Midnight Rising, Tony Horowitz
Midnight Rising, Lara Adrian
Sunset Rising, SM McEachern
Aurora Rising, G.S. Jennsen
Aurora Rising, Amber Marler
Aurora Rising, Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff
Right Star Rising, Laura Kalman
Esperanza Rising, Pam Munoz Ryan
Valhalla Rising, Peter Kyed
Valhalla Rising, Clive Cussler
Thunder Rising, Erin Hunter
Tempest Rising, Nicole Peeler
Tempest Rising, Julie Kenner
Stormlord Rising, Glenda Larke
Northern Storm Rising, Ron Rhodes
Mayhawk Rising, NK Schlaudecker
Lark Rising, Sandra Waugh
Empire Rising, Rick Campbell
Empire Rising (series), D.J. Holmes
Babylon Rising, Tim LaHaye
Babylon Rising, Rob Skiba
Texas Rising, Stephen L Moore
Atlantis Rising, Patricia Cori
Atlantis Rising, Alyssa Day
Atlantis Rising, T.A. Barron
Atlanta Rising, Frederick Allen
Avalon Rising, Kathryn Rose
Avalon Rising (series), Morgan Blaze
Avalon Rising (series), Raymond Matthews
New Delta Rising, Magdalena Sole
Valentine's Rising, EE Knight
Stone Voice Rising, C. Lee Tocci
Deryni Rising, Katherine Kurtz
Lazarus Rising, David Sherman
Black Swan Rising, Lee Carroll
Black Youth Rising, Shawn Ginwright
Basilisk Rising, Adam Glass
Coyote Rising, Allen Steele
Grey Wolves Rising (series), Emma Storm
Dark Wolf Rising, Stephanie Rowe
Dark Shadows: Wolf Moon Rising, Lara Parker
Trinity Rising, Elspeth Cooper
Twilight Rising, Erin Richards
Twilight Rising, Serpent's Dream, Diana Marcellas
Ecko Rising, Danie Ware
Alex Van Helsing, Vampire Rising, Jason Henderson
Dracula Rising, Jackson Stein
Valkyrie Rising, Ingrid Paulson
Wild Women Rising, Clare Gately
Women Rising, Amanda Antcliff
Kings Rising, C. S. Pacat
Warrior Rising, P.C. Cast
Warrior Rising, James Somers
Warrior Rising, H.M. Sealey
Warrior Rising, Pam Binder
Warrior Rising, Pamela Palmer
Warrior Rising, Chris Linford
Warrior Rising, Capri Montgomery
Warrior Rising, Eden Elsworth
Warrior Rising, Shannon Kay Brown
Dark Warrior Rising, Ed Greenwood
Viking Warrior Rising, Asa Maria Bradley
Spartan Rising (series), Ian Smith
Hero Rising, Chris Fox
Titan Rising, Bobbi Ross
Zulu Rising, Ian Knight
Samurai Rising, Pamela S. Turner
Spectre Rising, C.W. Lemoine
Van Halen Rising, Greg Renoff
Dark Force Rising, Timothy Zahn
Kraken Rising, Greig Beck
Megalodon Rising, Alex Laybourne
Wendigo Rising, James Hunter
Destroyer Rising, Eric Asher
A Generation Rising, Gerald N Lund
Millennials Rising, Neil Howe
Gloom Rising, Sean Davies
Omega Rising, Joshua Dalzelle
Voyagers: Omega Rising, Patrick Carman
Bear Rising, C.A. Taylor
Vamp Rising, C.A. Taylor  (Christ, Taylor, get a grip on gravity)
Black Bear Rising, Tia Wilson
Defiance Rising, Amy Miles (YET ANOTHER Rising Series)
William Rising, Hilary Rhodes
Trouble Rising, Emme Rollins (makes it sound like a Viagra-themed novel)
Horus Rising, Dan Abnett
Kronos Rising, Max Hawthorne
Cronos Rising, Tim Stevens
Thanos Rising, Jason Aaron
Cancer Rising, Lucas Sarcona
Technocracy Rising, Patrick M. Wood
Minder Rising, Carol van Natta
Stillwater Rising, Steena Holmes
A Nation Rising, Noelani Goodyear-Kaopua
Hawaiki Rising, Sam Low
Wothlondia Rising, Gary F. Vanucci
Barrio Rising, Alejandro Velasco
Fire Rising, Donna Grant
Deep Fire Rising, Jack du Brul
Cape Fear Rising, Philip Gerard
Ranger Rising, Salvador Mercer
Elemental Rising, Maddy Edwards
Niccolo Rising, Dorothy Dunnett
Goth Girl Rising, Barry Lyga
Hope Rising, Kim Meeder
Hope Rising, Scott Todd
Cinder's Rising, Jenika Snow
Blackthorn Rising, Michael James Ploof
Villains Rising, Jeramey Kratz
S Street Rising, Ruben Castaneda
Singularity Rising, James D. Miller
East Rising, Rachel Dunning
Thelonious Rising, Judith Richards
Talulla Rising, Glen Duncan
Maya Rising, Melissa Roen
Rachel Rising, Terry Moore
Gloria Rising, Ann Cameron
Rys Rising, Tracy Falbe
Snow Rising, Shawn Underhill
Ralia Rising, V.G. Chevalier
Kundalini Rising, Gurmukh Kaur Khalsa
Deep Church Rising, Andrew G. Walker
All Souls' Rising, Madison Smartt Bell
 Spirit Rising, Jim Cymbala
Fallingwater Rising, Franklin Toker
Exodus Rising, Bryan Davis
DJ Rising, Love Maia
Tank Girl: Bad Wind Rising, Alan Martin (the day Tank Girl had horrifying flatulence?)
Smoke Rising, Julie Wetzel
Desert Rising, Kelley Grant
Slow Boil Rising, D.T.E. Madden
Barometer Rising, Hugh Maclennan
Scepter Rising, Kevin Moldenhauer

*Inferno Rising, Mike Bloemer  ...

I could go on and on, but it's incredibly tedious.

In short, whenever I come across a Rising title, especially if it features some sort of incendiary fowl, I lower it straightaway into the rubbish bin.
Nothing with a title that trite can be original enough to hold my interest.

I'm not asking you to buy them. I'm just asking you to give me money in exchange for them.

Extremely common interactions here at NIOLIT:

We buy books only on a certain day between certain hours, but we're almost always willing to make exceptions for time as long as it's on the correct day (if you bring them in five minutes to closing,* however, you'll still be out of luck). This information is available through our website, on our facebook, on our bookmarks, and if you ask us over the phone.  All the same, this happens at least once daily:

Customer: "I've got these books for sale."

Staff member: "I'm afraid we only buy books [day of week, hours]."

C: "But I brought my books all the way here!"

S: "But we're not buying books today. I'm not even a book buyer.  I'm happy to give you a list of other bookshops that buy books."

C: Could you at least take a look at them?

By "take a look at them," Dear Readers, the customer means, of course, that you appraise their books, tell them how much you would be willing to pay for them, and then exchange that cash amount for their books.

How precisely they believe this to be different from the book-buying that we explicitly stated multiple times we are unable to do, I am unaware.

* Also common, and, I'm aware, certainly not only to the bookselling business:

Customer comes up right as one is closing the door.

Staff: "I'm afraid we're just closing, but we'll be open tomorrow at ---."

Customer: "But I came all the way down here! Can't I just look around?"

I'm bewildered at the mistaken idea some people seem to harbour about what it means for an establishment to be closed.  Some people do seem to think that we close the doors, turn off the lights, and then sit in the dark, twiddling our thumbs and wishing desperately we had someone to talk to.
We don't live at the bookshop; most of us are as anxious to leave and get on with our lives as any other person is at the close of their work day.

I myself have one thus-far fail-safe response for customers who are particularly indignant about our refusal to stay open and serve them whenever they happen to be here: "I'm sorry, but I need to get home to my children.  Their babysitter absolutely must leave at X:XX and if I'm late my children will be all alone."

This is a complete falsehood, as I've never had any children, but since I don't think my reproductive status is either any of the public's business or relevant to whether or not I deserve to have a life, I have no moral qualms with employing it when necessary.  Any of my comrades-in-retail are welcome to it, should they need it.  If you happen to be male, it will probably be doubly effective in silencing your interlocutor, as men who take parenting seriously are generally regarded as heroes.

B-O-O-K-S spells "Public Toilet"

Yesterday an older couple (husband & wife, presumably) came into the Institute and, shortly, the wife approached the counter to ask politely if we had a restroom.

pictured: ambiguity

We responded-- politely-- that we're afraid we don't have a public restroom, but directed her to one close by.  We overheard her tell her husband, "They don't have a restroom here, we need to go next door."

But her husband was on to us.  He knew the problem.  She just hadn't asked penisfully enough.

"Where is your restroom?" he bellowed at us.

Despite the misleading sign immediately next to the front door at eye-level stating that we have no restroom, we do not, in fact, have a public restroom.  We reiterated this to him.

"I'M NOT THE PUBLIC, I'M A CUSTOMER."

This is a common sentiment amongst our visitors at NIOLIT: 
I am NOT the public.  How dare you imply that I'm merely part of the vulgar horde? 

I am always tempted to inquire in return: When you buy a ticket to the opera [as I'm sure you frequently do], do you go bursting into the dressing rooms while insisting you're not the public?

I blame the major book chains, which inevitably feature some chain coffee-shop (Starbucks, Peet's, &c) in miniature.  According to state law, all establishments which serve food or drink must provide customers with a restroom.  Customers who are used to frequenting the chain stores, then, associate book shops (and their coffee corners) with toilets.  

"What kind of coffee do you do?"

We do not vend coffee.  We are under no obligation to provide you with a facility for excreting.  You'll just have to pee-pee before you leave the house like a big boy next time.

Your pun is bad and you should feel bad.

Any writer who succumbs to the unfathomable laziness and bad taste of using the pun "purr-fect" when describing any cat-related book or story should be garroted with barbed wire.

Really, New Yorker?

Really?

Related to the previous post...

Customer: "Do you have any books on [----]?"

Staff: "Is there a specific title or author that you had in mind that I can look for?"

C: "No.  I just want to know what you have on [----]."

S: "Unless you have a specific book or books that you're looking for, I don't really have anything to go on."

C: "Just go look in the [----] section and tell me what you have on [----]."


Gentle readers:  Perhaps I shouldn't divulge such industry secrets, but....

I'm putting you on hold, checking my email, and freshening my coffee, then picking up and telling you we don't have anything on [----].  Tens of thousands of books in stock, which I simply can't scour and jot down every possibly relevant title / author while the till goes unattended.  We can't.

Where is your section for graphic novel adaptations of the juvenilia of postmodern Chilean authors who write magical realism?

Customer: "Where is your non-fiction section?"

Staff member: "We don't have a general non-fiction section; it's separated into genres like history, political science, psychology, &c.  Was there a particular title you were looking for?"

Customer: "The Hunger Games."

On the flip side:

"I'm looking for books on the philosophy of trains during WWII."

And

"What do you have on the history of the peace symbol?"

Both actual requests, and neither had a specific title or author.

...

Flatteringly, patrons are occasionally surprised by the lack of omniscience amongst our booksellers.  Far and away the easiest way for us to help you track down a book is a title.  While certain authors will always end up in a certain section, others write on a variety of subjects and therefore could be shelved in half a dozen different places.  Jo Nesbø, for example, we can send you to the mystery section fairly reliably*.  Rebecca Solnit, on the other hand, could be found in memoir, political science, women's studies, travel literature, or history.  While we are an independent bookseller, we still have tens of thousands of books; also, we don't have the space or the time to shelve them into ridiculously concise subgenres.  If you really want the 16th-century proto-Marxist writings of schizophrenic lesbian Hieronymite nuns in the Canary Islands, you have to throw us a fucking bone.

So please, Gentle Readers, help your bookseller help you.  We do appreciate your decision to patronise your local bookshop instead of the cheap & lazy option of buying from Evil Unnamed Internet Giants, but we are only underpaid mortals.  If you are not prepared to browse the shelves yourselves, please come with one or two particular titles so we can at least figure out how to point you in the right direction.


*Well... you could be looking for his "Fart Powder" series (Children's Lit).

No Nicholas Sparks? You must be illiterate.

Customer: "Is this book okay to read if I haven't read the first book in the series?" [holds up teenage paranormal fiction--not this particular scholar's area of expertise].

Staff member: "Unfortunately, I haven't read that series.  I'm sorry.  But I do imagine it's better if you start with the first book."

C: "What about this? Is this any good?"  [holds up a Nicholas Sparks title].

S: "I haven't read that either, I'm afraid."

C: [snottily] "Well, what do you DO with your time?!"

Not read Nicholas Sparks.

A common misconception about life in the bookselling business seems to be that, when not engaged in assisting patrons, the scholars of the Institute are free to sit around reading the stock.  I would like to take this opportunity to disillusion the gentle public.  While all of us here love to read, we are not encouraged to indulge in that particular pleasure while on the job any more than workers in any other line of retail, or indeed, any business outside of academia.  In addition to helping patrons physically present, there are phone calls to take and emails to answer.  The shelves need more constant and thorough attention than our inadequate staff can possibly provide since, despite our cheerful willingness to take unwanted books back at the front counter, customers do insist on stuffing them haphazardly in the oddest places.  Stock needs to be received, processed, priced, shelved, and re-shelved.  We sell online and ship internationally. In short, there is always some actual work to be done.
And in our free time, we have preferences in reading material that may not align with yours.  I, for example, read mostly modern non-fiction with an emphasis on Victorian Europe and the history of medicine, and a little classic French and British literature.  I have never read a Nicholas Sparks book.  I probably never will.

Another common misconception is that a bookshop is the same thing as a library.  We receive requests for library cards and queries about whether we're willing to sell the books with a rather startling frequency.  I have no explanation for that particular myth, as many of the inquirers are old enough to remember a time when the Internet was not the great Source of All Things.

Perhaps a book on dowsing.

"Excuse me--I'm psychic, so I should know this, but where is your tarot section?"

If Fanny Clapp married Eric Hiscock....

We not infrequently come across some unintentionally hilarious names in the course of our work here at the Institute.  None of them is as notable as the [in]famous Dr Taco BM Monster, perhaps, but they merited some minor sniggering.  I'll leave out the names of patrons for discretion's sake, but here are some of our favourite author and editor names presented for your enjoyment.

Mack A. Player

Fanny Clapp

Edwin G. Boring

Yu. P. Raizer  (I don't, but it sounds painful!)

A. Dyck

C.A.R. Hoare

Daniel Pedoe

Eric C. Hiscock

Poopa Dweck

B.A. Fuchs

International Money and Finance, by Ronald McDonald  (that explains a lot about the economy)

I'm sorry, authors.  It's jejune.  You have possibly suffered much for your names in the past, but I hope you will not be so bitter as to deny the small, if puerile, joy that your names give me and my fellow scholars here at the Institute.

--CL